A Random Collection of Comedic Stories
by Autumnx
Summary: The title says it all! Basically, beyond that link, you'll find many oneshot stories, funny ones, might I add, that will hopefully tickle your sides! [Rated for Language]
1. Attack of the Fangirls!

A/N: Hahah, if you're reading this, you've gleefully chosen to read my collection of spontaneous one-shot Comedy Kingdom Hearts stories! Each chapter is a new tale, all varying between short and long format, so I don't know how long I'll make each one. I will be updating this randomly, and I'll happily accept all comments and criticism.

Readers Discretion Advised: Each story contains a lot of swearing and such, so please, don't continue if you can't handle it.

Disclaimer: I own the stories I make, not the characters, game and such. Squaresoft and Disney do, and perhaps Natsume, Nintendo, and other main companies that might own things within these one-shots. However, I do own a few characters, that would be including myself in this chapter, and my friends, whom own themselves… and another friend, who owns two other characters in a future story.

Also, I'd like to thank Mr. Unimportant for allowing me to nick a few lines from him :D

With all that over with, let's start these stories off with Fangirls! This is probably a small example of a short one. XD

**Attack of the Fangirls!**

It was a normal, shadowy day in Traverse Town; the multicoloured lights swirling continuously into the dark sky like fireworks out of course. People lumbered about the districts, avoiding harmless Shadows and talking to one another without a care in the world. Occasionally, a complaint would issue from a person, but otherwise, there were no complaints in the bustling (a rare) town.

In a Café, just off to the west in a secluded corner of the First District, sat our three favourite protagonists… And for all you idiots out there, those three would be Riku, Sora, and Kairi (but we all know that only a few people like her…). Anyway, they were sitting in their favourite, rounded-table-and-square-shaped-stool-ed table, guzzling down soda and taking precise bites out of candy apples… in Sora's case… Waffled stuffed peppers. He continued shoving them down his throat, Riku watching with his mouth hanging open, and Kairi in mid-bite.

"Do you know," Riku started, "how fucking disgusting that is?" Sora looked up, syrup dripping off his chin and bits of red pepper on his top lip. He tilted his head, shaking it stupidly.

"Nope, it's pretty good," he replied, forking a bit and sticking it an inch from Riku's face. Riku looked revolted, his nose wrinkling as he scooted his stool back a bit, Kairi watching in stupidity and awe.

"Ugh," Riku said, pushing the fork away and right into Sora's face, "I'll pass."

Sora looked a little put out, but either way, disregarded it, and continued eating his (fourth) helping of stuffed peppers, Sora's style. Kairi, whom had been watching silent the whole time, blinked. "How …" she lost her train of thought, and Riku and Sora looked at her expectantly.

"How turned on I am!" She said, wide eyed. Sora blinked, looking as though he had inhaled a wagon through his nose, and a watermelon had been lodged in his nasal cavity. He choked, his cheeks turning blue, as Kairi watched with her still, wasted expression.

"Coughchoke, WHAT?" Sora asked, gasping for breath as he swallowed his food hard. Kairi gave an odd sort of giggle snort, and she stood up, leaning over the table and looking right at Sora when--

"BACK OFF YOU MEDICATION-TAKING-BANANA-FUCKING-WHORE!" Sora shouted, falling off his chair, Riku watching in complete perplexed ways. Sora was breathing heavily, and Kairi was staring at him, head tilted.

"What? What did I do?" She asked. Riku leaned over slightly towards Sora.

"Er.. it's the meds again…" he whispered, and Sora nodded. He stood up soon after, followed by Sora, and Kairi, confused, stood up as well. All paid for their food, and Sora wiped off his face.

"Okay, so, are we going home?" Kairi asked dumfounded, again tilting her head. Riku once made a comment that when she did that, it looked like she broke her neck. This ended in a nice case of scrambled eggs, leaving him in the fetal position for three hours, five minutes and six seconds… with a coconut lodged up his ass. He coughed, having remembered, and nodded meekly.

"Yep, where else are we supposed to go?" he asked, shrugging. He began walking through the crowded Café, and Sora followed along, his Keyblade slung over his shoulder like a gun. Kairi rolled her eyes, and followed along as they slinked out of the Café, and soon found themselves standing in the chilly, but not too chilly, First District Center.

Kairi grumbled something as they trudged past a few blabber-mouthing-bad-smelling-tall-freaking people. Sora didn't seem to hear her, and Riku simple ignored the young girl. She scowled, crossing her arms as she followed Sora and Riku to the small set of stairs that led to a few shops on a small slope. She sat down moodily, Riku watching her like a hawk as he leaned against the short banister, and Sora laughing stupidly as he tried to swat a bird with his Keyblade. Riku rolled his eyes, and Kairi giggled.

"What's up Kairi?" Riku asked, but Kairi seemed to ignore him.

"Where are we supposed to be picked up?" she asked, glaring around the bustling square. Riku shrugged.

"Here," he replied coolly. "Donald said he would pick us up in the Gummi ship."

"What the hell? The Gummi? That thing is like uber tiny!" Kairi protested, much like a child would.

Riku nodded. "Well, it's our only trip home… so …." He trailed off, watching Sora finally swatting the bird out of the air, onto the ground, and proceeded to crush the poor vertabrae with the handle of his weapon. He merely sighed, shaking his head at the boy's stupidity, before advancing towards the great doors which led to a large launch pad for travelers. Er, if that made any sense.

Kairi shrugged, staring at the crushed, bloody pulp that was once a sparrow, and followed Riku, who was following after Sora. They walked through a complaining group of wanderers, and soon found themselves standing at the large, towering doors. It wasn't long for them to stop their small conversation (which was about finding a secret stash of Ansem plush toys and porno mags.)

"You mean, you didn't see that picture of Yuffie in the-" Sora started, snorting.

Riku shrugged, "I don't think I wanted to see it…"

"HAHAHA, It was HOT PINK," Sora exclaimed and rushed off into a certain amount of insults and or … who knows.

"Wait," Riku said, cutting the boy off from his random slur of … whatever he was saying, they all lost track after "And it was THIS BIG".

"…What? WHAT? Did you see… _it … _again? You know, light blue—" Sora started, but was cut off when Riku put a hand out to stop him.

"…No, dumbass," Riku stated coolly. "Can't you hear it?"

"Hear what? … Pigs?" Sora asked stupidly. Kairi at that moment, cupped a hand over her nose and mouth, looking rather green in the cheeks.

"Ughh, it smells like popcorn and perfume!" she stated in muffled tones. Sora looked to Riku with a side-glance, and that's when the realization shot through them in a massive wave of destruction.

"It's… it's…" Sora started, unable to get the words out.

"It's like a shaking sound," Riku said, seeming to ignore Sora.

"Then that means…" Sora started. Riku and Sora looked right at each other.

"IT'S THE FANGIRLS!" they screamed in unison, holding their ground.

"RUN!" Kairi screamed, but it was too late; The First District was now empty of all civilians, and as they could see, from all corners and doors… _they came… _

Hundreds upon hundreds of squeeing girls flooded into the area, many holding multicoloured signs that stated, "MARRY ME!" or "I WANT IN YOUR PANTS!". Sora, Riku and Kairi backed up into the corner, surrounded by the girls of all ages, sizes, and from the looks of it … well, let's just say they weren't some of the nicest folks.

"MARRY ME SORA!" One of the girls near the front screamed. She was average height, with blonde hair reaching her waist, and glasses tipping over the brink of her nose. A girl was standing next to her, looking as though she was trying to keep it all in… keep it aaaall in. She was taller than the first girl, with slightly roan-red hair and shades pulled up to cover her eyes.

"WHAT THE FUCK? WHO SAYS YOU GET HIM?" One girl, far back, complained to the blonde, who seemed very disturbed.

"I DO, JACKFACE BITCH!" Replied the blonde before turning around and holding up her middle finger for the protesting crowd.

"Well, Ellyn, we've found them," the tall friend said, staring at Sora and Riku with a sense of "I'm-going-to-squee-really-loud-if-you-come-any-closer" type look. "After… how long?"

"I don't care," the girl now dubbed as Ellyn replied, but she smirked at Sora. "Jen, you do the honors."

"Honors? Uwah?" Jen replied, but disregarded it and walked up to Riku.

"Can I poke your biceps?" she asked, smiling innocently.

"Er, why?" Riku asked, and looked to Ellyn with a sense of perplexed-wisdom.

"You're ripped, hawt, and wear three belts… I don't know, I just said that… but she likes poking people," Ellyn replied, smirking. "And if you don't let her, you'll probably be stuck in a crevice somewhere …" she trailed off, smirking again.

"Uh… okay?" Riku said, shrugging. Jen smiled, mumbling something, and poking his arm. She smiled.

"Okay, I'm done…"

Riku looked at Sora, whom had over ten girls hanging off his arms, hugging him, and touching him, yet he didn't seem to mind. "Er, Sora," Riku started, "you know you're being molested by fangirls, right?"

"Hella yes… and it feels good!" Sora replied, smiling his infamous butt-kicking smile.

Riku sighed, and looked to the many girls, whom were all watching, quietly, with wide eyes and dribbling lips. "Okay, what do you all want?"

"Well we-" they chanted, Jen and Ellyn standing off behind Riku, staring at Kairi with a sense of dislike. The girls were cut off, however, because one girl in the very far back screamed: "IT'S KAIRI'S FANBOY! RUN FOR THE HILLS!"

And at that, all of the girls went silent before breaking into a fit of high-pitched screams, that even made Jen and Ellyn cover their ears. All the girls, panicking, fled, leaving Riku, Sora, a confused Kairi, and a devious looking Jen and Ellyn behind. It all happened too fast…

A boy, tall, with dark hair sped into the square, and had Kairi flat on her back in a major glomp-attack in a few seconds. Jen and Ellyn shook their heads in disbelief, watching the girl being crushed by the older teen.

"OH MY GOD OH MY GOD! IT'S KAIRI!" He screamed as Sora and Riku attempted to get him off of Kairi.

"Ellyn, we should help…" Jen said, watching. Ellyn, however, shook her head.

"No way! He could kill her! Then… we could make them our personal slaves! MUHAHAHAH!" Ellyn replied, and it was Jen's turn to shake her head.

"Then we won't have anyone to … you know… torture," she replied with a small sigh. "As much I would like to see her dead, you know we're going to have to be … "nice"."

"Gr, I guess," Ellyn said slowly, and she grabbed one of the ankles that belonged to the teen. Jen grabbed the other and looked to Ellyn.

"Okay, on three!"

"One…"

"SCREW IT! THREE!"

Both girls heaved, and the boy was pulled off, now lying on his stomach, yet clutching to Kairi's leg. Sora and Riku helped the dazed Kairi up, and looked at her. "Are you okay?" Sora asked, dusting her off.

"Yeah… uh… Fanboy?" Kairi said, looking down at the teen. "Flattered as I may be… that's just wrong."

"Marcus, let go," Ellyn stated, crossing her arms. Marcus, the boy, shook his head.

"Noooo way!" he protested, clutching to Kairi's leg more.

"Marcus," Jen said, sounding like a teacher talking to a student. "Let go."

"No," Marcus stated clearly, his face looking up at Kairi, who was staring right back down.

Jen and Ellyn advanced again, but Kairi stopped them with a flick of her hand. "No, it's okay," she said, smirking evilly. The two girls shrugged, and stepped back, watching what Kairi was about to do.

"Yo, sorry about this," Kairi said, bringing her foot back and… with a teeth-grinding crack, stomped heavily on Marcus' face, breaking his nose and creating quite the rivet in the center of his face.

"Oh god… Kairi touched me!" he said, letting go weakly. "I'm never getting reconstructive surgery on my face again!" Sora and Riku moved Kairi away, staring all the while at Marcus as Jen and Ellyn advanced on him, grabbing a leg each, and beginning to drag him off.

"Well, er… nice meeting you!" Jen bid, waving, Ellyn doing the same.

"Yep! And remember, if Kairi dies—" She started, Jen finishing off for her:

"Our numbers are in your pockets!"

And with that, they disappeared in a puff of acid green smoke, leaving Sora, Kairi and Riku to stand, confused, at the doors. "Er…" Riku started, looking at his two friends, who also stood, dumfounded beyond belief.

"Well, I guess we'll have some girls to pick up later…" Sora said uncertainly, only to receive a nice smack in the back of the head from Kairi, knocking him unconscious.

"Let's go home," she said, grabbing him by the hair and beginning to walk out. Riku shrugged, looking back once, and followed along.


	2. PWNED by a Ninja?

A/N: Thanks for the reviews!

Oh, Christine, shut up. xD And DS, Glad to see you like it XD. "SCREW IT, THREE!" HEHEHEHE.

Oh, yes, through this chapter, you will be seeing DESERT SECRETS, SKANK NINJA ORIGINAL! –_insert suspensey music here-- _Credit goes to her for all the awesome ideas she gave me! XD Apologies for abusing you, by the way XDDD

Anyway, without further adieu, the second story!

**PWNED… By a Ninja? **

It was a normal, perhaps, day on Destiny Islands. Like usual, the sun was shining warmly on the white sand beaches, and the few residents were out doing their daily, relaxing activities. The pure blue ocean rolled continuously, lapping on the beach and tickling Kairi's bare feet. Like usual, the medication-taking girl was wearing her "rare" purple bikini, and failed to notice Tidius, Wakka, Sora _and _Riku staring at her from over their watermelon slices.

"Hehaehehehe…" Sora chuckled, watching Kairi shift and remain, eyes closed, and facing the ocean. From the looks of it, all the guys could do was laugh.

"Hehehe, I got an idea," Wakka said suddenly, breaking the "let's-google-and-chuckle-at-Kairi's-skimpy-suit" moment. Sora, Riku and Tidius all looked to him expectantly.

"Well, one of us should go up there and…" He smirked evilly, leaning in, the other three following him as well. Soon, all four heads were touching each other, and they were chuckling evilly.

"Well, I want to go!" Tidus volunteered happily, standing up. However, Riku and Sora both pulled him down.

"Nu-uh. If someone's going to do it," Sora started.

"It'll be me!" Riku and Sora said in unison. They both glared at each other.

"Oh, I know, I'll take her top off, and Riku, you tickle!" Sora said with eager anticipation.

"Oh, I get it," Riku said with a far too evil smile. He nodded, and Sora stood up, dusting off his blue swim trunks, and quietly sneaking up behind Kairi. Riku followed closely behind, and they both looked, grinning, at each other before Riku nodded.

Sora bent over and reached out his hand, his index finger and thumb closing on one of the flimsy strings, and at that moment, he pulled. Riku moved in and poked Kairi's sides; so not only was she screaming, she was laughing AND crying AND her top toppled off. Without turning around, she screamed, running into the water and attempted to hold her top on. Wakka, Sora, Riku and Tidus all burst into fits of laughter. Wakka and Tidus walked over to the edge of the water, standing next to Sora and Riku. They all hi-fived each other, watching Kairi in deeper water, glaring at them angrily.

"YOU GUYS ARE SO PERVERTED!" She screeched, eyes narrowing. The guys laughed again. They watched, chortling, as she attempted to put her top back on again. She failed three times, got her hair caught once, and twice she nearly broke the strap, and finally… she had her top on. Disheveled, she started swimming back in, and stood up in waist-high water, only to find--

She had her top on backwards.

"HOLY FOTHER MUCKER!" She squealed, sinking back into the water as the guys, yet again, hi-fived and laughed. Riku snorted, and held his hand out, with a towel on his shoulder.

"Come on, Kairi—"

But before he could finish his sentence, something dressed in a skanky, Japanese School Girl Outfit, flew by and pushed him into the water, creating A GIANORMOUS splash.

Okay, not really, but he still fell in.

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?" He demanded, watching whatever it was, fly into the air.

"I don't know," Tidus replied, shocked, "but she had a nice rack." Sora and Wakka stared at him for a minute.

"Well… it's true…" Tidus said guiltily. Sora, Wakka and Riku shook their heads. Riku stood up in the water and crossed his arms over his pecks shaking his silvery hair free of the water. His black trunks clung to his waist, and like usual, he would open his eyes, to see someone staring.

"Well, shall we just forget about random, Japanese School Girl Flying Woman-"

"MY NAME IS DESERT, DUMBASS," screamed a girl, well, shadowed figure, from a banana tree from the beach. The lush leaves rustled, but it looked as though there was no one on the tree, behind or in.

"Okay, totally awkward," Wakka said, Tidus nodding in agreement.

"Um, are you stalking us?" Sora asked stupidly.

The tree shook, and a Paopu fruit came flying out, swirling through the air and smacking into Kairi's forehead, causing to fall unconscious. "MUHAHAhAHAHA," came the manic laughter after, as Riku, Wakka, Sora and Tidus merely stared at the girl, floating on her back in the water.

"What do we do with her?" Tidus asked, dodging yet a second Paopu fruit. Sora shrugged.

"Meh, she'll wash up on shore," was his reply. And indeed, with a small wave that, for some reason, only happened to hit Kairi, she floated onto shore, her limbs in awkward ways, and looking like a spider… having a seizure.

"Told yah," Sora said, smirking. He dodged a third Paopu fruit, which flew and hit Wakka in the side of the head. Like Kairi, he fell into a coma, and a second wave came, causing him to float to land.

"Okay, this is weird…" Riku said, blinking. He watched Wakka twitch a few times, before completely succumbing, and laying limp on the wet sand. Sora, Rikku and Tidus looked at each other for a moment, before looking back to the tree.

"What do you want?" They asked, but no one answered. It was then that they realized that she wasn't even in the tree anymore. They looked around in a confusing state, and finally up to the pale blue sky, now blotted with slight pinks and orange. From the clouds, they seen a girl falling, and Sora scowled.

"Bitch! Stealing my stupid visions and such…" he growled. The three boys watched as Desert plunged into the water, creating a splash that echoed around them for a moment. At that, the three started racing, literally, racing, towards where they seen Desert fall. I mean, how many teenage guys do you know that wouldn't race to see a girl in a wet, white top sticking to her figure? Sheesh. Anyway, they made it there, only to find that Desert wasn't there.

"Aw, shit!" Sora wailed, forgetting about his visiony-thing

Suddenly, Riku yelped, and his hands flew down to… well, you know where. His eyes widened considerably as he looked left in right. "My shorts!" He said nervously, looking around still, yet not seeing anything. Sora snorted, looking down at Riku's lower half.

"Nice crowbar," he complimented. Riku smirked, randomly pulling out a crowbar.

"Oh, this old thing? I'M GOING TO USE IT TO BASH THAT GIRL'S HEAD IN!" he stormed, brandishing it. He continued ranting, when suddenly, Sora also yelped and his hands flew down to that area.

"Why is she taking our pants?" Sora asked uneasily. He saw Tidus protectively clutch his own pants, but at the same time, stare at his lower half.

"Nice hot dog, Sora," he said, chuckling. Sora, then, pulled out a soggy old hot dog, and glared at it.

"Yeah, I was saving it for later, but it's total crap now," he said, sounding putout and chucking the hot dog out behind him.

_AUTHOR'S INPUT: Okay, now, let me take a moment to squee now that I have Sora AND Riku completely naked floating in water. _

_--Ten Minutes later-- _

_Okay! I'm done. Back to the story! _

"Well… okay, what do we do now?" Tidus asked uneasily.

Before anyone could answer him, however, Desert burst out of the water, holding Sora's trunks out to her side, and Riku's over her light roan hair, which brushed her shoulders lightly. She had awkward bunny ears poking out atop her cranium, and a similar tail from her hindquarters. Her skirt as the boys could now see, was uber, literally, UBER TINY, and her shirt was white, cropped just below her chest, and well, soaked from being in the water. Her feet had crystal pumps on them, and her green-ish eyes glistened as she stared at the three.

"Hahah! I pwn you guys!" she stated, her bunny ears, which were poking through the legs of Riku's trunks, twitched their agreement. She laughed dryly, looking at her, what she was mumbling, Sex Slaves. "Anyway, I thought I'm here, why not have a little fun before taking care of the dirty business?" She pointed to the beach, where a younger Yuna paced, her hands thrown up in the air as she cursed. The guys squinted, unable to see.

Desert snapped her fingers, and a mighty pillar appeared beside her, Yuna standing upon it, swaying. "You see, we had a score to settle."

But Tidus wasn't listening. "Yuna!" he cried, looking up at her.

"Tidus!" Yuna shouted, looking down at him. Desert growled, and whipped around at a blinding speed, smacking Yuna in the face with Sora's poofy and soaked swimmers.

"NO! BAD GIRL!" She scolded angrily. Yuna toppled over on her bottom, whimpering and holding her face. Tidus looked shock, but remained deathly quiet, as well as his two naked buddies. Desert looked to Yuna as she continued to whimper, holding her soggy face.

"Listen, Tidus, you better say something once I do this!" She proclaimed, clapping her hands, and with that—Yuna spontaneously combusted, and from her ashes, sprouted random flying Green Bunnies, which flew away in an instant.

There was a deathly-empty silence… until Desert broke into manic giggles and looked to Tidus.

"Well?" She asked expectantly.

"…THAT WAS SO HOT!" he exclaimed after another silence. Riku and Sora stared at him for a moment in disbelief.

"Dude, what were you smoking last night?" Sora asked uneasily.

Tidus ignored him, ogling the Ninja-Girl before him. "I have waited, seriously, for someone to do that like, since she started stalking me. I want you to take me to a secluded area and make out with me." At that, he flew out of the water and groped Desert, and she smirked.

"Well, now that I have what I came for…" Desert said resignedly, grabbing Tidus by his hair and beginning to float up higher. "I'll be leaving."

And at a fast speed, she took off, screaming, "SCREW YOU OLDER YUNA AND ALL THE AGES OF YUNA AND ALL THE YUNA WANNABES!"

Riku and Sora looked at each other like they had just been smacked around the face with a thong dipped in chocolate.

"Okay, what just happened?" Sora asked.

"I don't know," was Riku's reply, "but we won't be seeing him for a while."

"Yeah…"

"…Want a grape soda?"

"YES!"

And still the shouts of Tidus screaming out of joy and pain echoed around them.


	3. The Bumps in the Next Room

A/N: FWEE, Reviews! Reviews make the authoress update faster. /nodnod/

Curry, I fixed those mistakes. XD Don't pester be about them …again.

Perky-12, Sporks are pwnage, yes?

She-who-must-not-be-named of course they were naked! What kind of fangirl would I be? Not a very good one…

Iamriku'slover, er... oO XD Don't worry, _I _was there too. SNORTS

Royale, they planned it, so they were all giddy and such, mm?

Desert… Chill. XD Thanks again for more ideas :3.

Sabotage, glad you like it D, and my other works too.

French Toast… oO Stalking me? I always knew I would be the stalker, but to become the stalked…? That's kind of scary.

This chapter goes to RoyaleWizardress! D Here you are!  
**  
The Bumps in the Next room**

The night was long, and it was past one in the morning on the Island we've all come to know and love well. The sand was glistening in the full moon, and the water looked spectral, like tears of jewels from the sky had poured in like liquid glass. At this time, the residents of the isle were bound to be asleep, probably in their own rooms of the large home which stretched over the water gently. However, one cannot trust everyone when the opportunity was so… _open._

In the darkness that swept over the house, on the second floor where all the bedrooms were, one door remained tightly closed, while the other four were slightly ajar. One completely open, yet it was empty. Behind the closed door, if you were the one to eavesdrop, and listen in on the inhabitant of the room, you would hear… I guess you could say, a few _disturbing _things.

"Wow, it's so big," an awe-licked voice said.

"I know! I had a hard time getting it in there…" a second voice, a bit deeper, replied.

If you knew any better, you would know these two people talking were Sora and Riku themselves.

"Holy crap! Push it harder! HARDER I SAY! You won't get anywhere like that!" Sora urged through the darkness.

A few bumping sounds and the clashing of a glass hitting the floor followed this.

It wasn't until next morning, did the other inhabitants of the house decide to question why Riku and Sora had locked themselves, well, just tightly closed the door, in Riku's room. They had suspected something, but really, they disregarded it. The group of five (Desert had become a regular guest, and had often slept in Tidus' room) were sitting in the kitchen one day, sipping orange juice and swallowing down syrup-drowned pancakes.

Kairi, looking very tired, rubbed her head, her hair sticking up in awkward ways, having just woken up. "I swear, I got like no sleep last night!" she complained, as her room was the one next to Riku's. Desert tilted her head, her roan hair tied into a messy bun behind her head, and she had small bags under her usually coloured eyes.

"Dear, and I thought I heard a lot," she said softly, Tidus' room (where she also slept) being next to Kairi's. Next to that room was Selphie's, and Wakka then Sora (whom hadn't been in his mess of a room for three days.)

"Yeah, I mean, it was constantly BUMP BUMP BUMP," Kairi moaned, "for HOURS."

Selphie had, for the third time, fallen face first into her cereal, and three times, Tidus (by the hair) had pulled her out. She started with a jump, "Wow! I haven't heard a thing!"

"…Selphie, you sleep like a rock." Wakka said slowly.

"Oh. Right."

Desert shook her head, stretching, before walking away from the table. She was dressed in a pair of baggy boxers and a shirt, "Oy, I'll be back tomorrow, Jen said she might want to come."

"Jen?" Questioned Selphie.

"Oh, right, you haven't met her…" Desert said trailing off. "Well, no matter, I'll be back tomorrow. Ciao! Love yeh, Tidus!"

And with a small grin, she disappeared, leaving a pile of sand where she once stood.

_BUMP. BUMP. BUMP._

"You know, I really want to know what those two are doing inside of there," Tidus said weakly, staring over his shoulder at the stairs, which led up to the bedrooms. "I mean, what's with all the ruckus?"

"What if they're—" Wakka started, but Kairi cut him off hastily.

"Don't be silly!" She said, grinning weakly, though she didn't sound all too sure herself. She looked at her last pancake half heartedly and pushed the plate away. Standing up, she looked at Wakka, Tidus and Selphie, who looked back at her perplexedly.

"I'll be right back, I'm going to get some answers," was her defiant reply, walking upstairs and her pink PJ bottoms billowing out lightly behind her. She started the short climb up the stairs, taking her bitter sweet time as she did so. Like it had taken her an eternity, she had finally made it to the top, and stood, staring at the closed door that belonged to Riku's room.

Hesitating slightly, she placed her hand on the doorknob, unsure completely if she should burst in, or do something else. Finally making up her mind after a moment of debating, she turned the handle and opened the door a bit.

"Riku? Sora?" she asked softly. What noise there was disappeared, making a silence fill the area. There were a few small bumps, then more silence.

"Hey Kairi!" came Sora's over-excited voice through the darkness. How it still managed to stay dark in there, it was a mystery to Kairi.

"H-hey," stuttered Kairi back.

"Care to join us?" asked Riku. Kairi raised her eyebrows.

"Join you in what?" she asked, sounding even more confused than she already was.

"Oh just-" Riku started, but he was cut off by Sora.

"HOLY SHIT, WHAT'S THAT WHITE STUFF!" He half shouted, sounding very astounded. Kairi's eyes widened.

"That, Sora," replied Riku's calm voice, "is-"

But Kairi didn't get to hear the rest of Riku's explanation, as she slammed the door shut, and ran down the stairs, falling over onto her face after reaching the kitchen again. Selphie, Tidus and Wakka turned to look at her, all of them now dressed and enjoying a game of Big Two.

"CHECKMATE!" screamed Selphie after a moment, pointing at a two of hearts she recently put down.

"…This is a card game, Selphie, not chess," Tidus reminded impatiently, looking back at Kairi.

"Right. I knew that," Selphie replied. "Oh, hey Kairi!" she said suddenly, sounding as though she just realized she was on the floor.

"Wakka!" Kairi cried, though she was partially muffled, as her face was still mounted painfully into the bamboo flooring.

"Can't hear you, dear," Wakka replied, leaning back casually in his chair.

Kairi struggled, flailing her arms slightly, but managed to get her face out of the flooring, and sat up, leaning against the stairs. "Wakka!"

"That's my name, don't wear it out," he commented in a lazy drawl. He opened one eye and looked at Kairi. "What?"

"They really are… they really are doing that!" Kairi cried hopelessly, putting her face in her hands wearily. Everyone straightened up almost as soon as she said this, and Selphie hopped out of her chair.

"Its okay Kairi, you're probably overreacting," she cooed gently, holding her friend's shoulders.

"No, why would Sora be asking what… what white stuff is!" Kairi sobbed.

"Er, well, lets just get on with the day, and hope they come out," Tidus suggested resignedly, Wakka and Selphie agreeing.

"C'mere Kairi, let's just get cleaned up, and we'll go out swimming," Selphie said softly, helping the girl up and taking her into her room. Wakka and Tidus went to finish cleaning the dishes, leaving soon after having already dressed.

The day passed as regularly as the group could possibly allowed it to. Wakka and Tidus decided to go exploring, coming back with their hands over-laden with different fruits. Kairi and Selphie spent the day sun tanning and swimming, and all four of them decided to make a small campfire on the beach and enjoy eating fruits and roasting marshmallows. They were rather quiet the whole time, watching the bright stars and laughable expressions on Wakka's face, as he was snoring.

"I dare you," Selphie hissed evilly. Tidus almost replied, but there was a loud, deafening CRACK, and Desert and Jen appeared, sitting on Wakka. Desert was wearing her usual, skank-Japanese Girl School Outfit, her bunny ear's strapped securely on, and her locks of roan hair straightened. Jen was in a simple pair of boy's black shorts, a pair of runners, and a white tee with a Paopu fruit on the chest covering her torso. Her hair was also loose and straightened. 

"Hey!" Desert greeted happily, waving through the darkness.

"Hehe, we landed on something soft this time," Jen stated knowingly. She smirked, eyeing the marshmallows Tidus was currently holding.

"Mine!" she said rather suddenly, bounding off Wakka and jumping at Tidus, attempting to rip the bag of jumbo marshmallows out of his hand. However, he would not loosen his grip.

"Get lost!" He snapped, but Jen, acting much like a young child who wasn't getting her way, pouted.

"NO! Mine!" she said in a childish voice. Desert rolled her eyes, holding out one finger.

"Watch this," she said, and Selphie and Tidus watched (though he was having a fair bit of difficulty) intently. Desert reached over and, with one poking motion, touched a small area around Jen's ribs. Jen froze, sat up and screamed bloody murder.

"DON'T DO THAT!" She screamed, now clutching three or four marshmallows in each hand. She glared at Desert, who was laughing, doubled over. Wakka, it seemed, was unconscious from the weight.

"Sorry, but you were killing my love, dear," Desert said bleakly, wiping tears from her eyes. Jen groaned, slumping down and staring at Tidus and Selphie.

"So, Des here was telling me 'bout a little problem. What's up?" she asked, stuffing one of the marshmallows in her mouth.

"Well, Riku and Sora have locked themselves in their room-" Tidus began, and from there, Selphie and him took turns.

"-and they haven't seen the light of day-"

"-for a week-"

"-and all we hear is-"

"-BUMP BUMP BUMP-"

"-And it's starting to tick us off."

Jen nodded, and looked at Tidus for a moment, before her eyes shifted to Desert.

"Well, I have an idea, now that you mention your little situation," she said, smirking evilly.

"Oh?" Desert replied.

"I don't like that smile…" Tidus whined.

"Shush," Desert commented. "Well, let's do that in the morning. For now, we sleep."

The group trudged up to the house again, Desert and Jen sleeping on the couches, while everyone tuckered into bed. They managed to block out the sounds of continuous bumping all through the night. Somehow, Wakka managed to be dragged to his room, and they all slept soundly. The next morning, all dressed in their regular clothes, the group stood silently outside Riku's room, where they continuously heard the ordinary bumping sounds. Tidus had a small video camera strapped to his head, which had D.S. inscribed into it with gold.

"Okay, so the plan is, we just shove him in there, and record what's going on, get 'im out, and see?" Selphie briefed slowly. Desert nodded, giving a thumbs up, Jen nodding as well.

"Pretty much, yeah," she said in agreement. She looked at Tidus, who was attempting to look brave, but he just couldn't muster.

"Ready?" Wakka asked.

"Well-" Tidus started, but yelped as Jen flung the door open and Desert pushed him inside. They gently closed the door, but not before they heard--

"TIDUS! Wanna join us? It's really fun!" Sora exclaimed.

"Yeah, it is," Riku added, "there's a lot of white stuff!"

"COOL!" Tidus replied.

_BUMP. BUMP. BUMP._

Desert widened her eyes. "Awww, my poor Tidus. He's probably lost his virginity."

"Soul Rapist," Jen breathed to her friend, eyeing her warily.

"HEY, you owed me for the pancake batter and Shirley Temples you kept demanding," Desert replied. "Besides, I sold my soul for bubble tea, and I need to feed off you, Amp and them."

"Uwah?" Wakka, Selphie and Kairi said at the same time.

"Eh?" Jen and Desert questioned.

"Oh, she just rapes people she knows and sucks their soul through their neck," Jen replied like it was an obvious answer. At that, the other three take a large step back, but Jen grinned.

"Don't worry, we have tranquilizers ready," she reassured, opening Riku's door again just in time as Tidus was thrown out of it and landed on her face. The surrounding group gasped, looking at the camera on his head – broken.

"Damn, well, so much for that idea," Desert said.

"What idea?"

The whole group spun around, looking at a very normal looking Sora and Riku.

"Oh, er, nothing," Jen covered hastily.

"Say, were you guys doing what—" Wakka started.

"You guys should really try that, it's fun," Sora breathed, grinning.

"Yeah, it's fun," Riku stated, pulling out a box with "KLONOA 2 – LUNATEA'S VEIL" written in yellow and orange writing, a long-eared, black and white rabbit dressed in blue holding a golden ring and pointing off somewhere.

The group all collapsed (very anime like) from shock.

"YOU WERE PLAYING VIDEO GAMES-"

"-FOR A WEEK STRAIGHT-"

"-AND NEVER LEFT YOUR ROOM-"

"-FOR FOOD-"

"-TO GO TO THE WASHROOM-"

"-OR TO TELL US WHAT THE HELL YOU WERE DOING-"

"-BECAUSE!" The whole group chorused.

"Well, what did you think we were doing?" Sora asked, extremely confused.

"HENTAI, YOU IDIOT!" Kairi shouted back haughtily. Sora suppressed a small sweat drop.

"Errrr…" he hesitated.

"Okay, so, lemme get this straight," Jen said, standing up. "They locked themselves in that room, for a week straight, while the whole time you thought they were gay, when really-"

"-They were just playing video games-" Desert continued.

"-that had a random Japanese, long-eared Bunny in it?" Jen finished.

"Pretty much, I'm guessing," Riku said, smirking awkwardly.

"That doesn't explain the bumping," Selphie pointed out.

"And how come we never heard the game?" Tidus asked thoughtfully.

"Ah, well, we muted it, and the bumping was from Sora banging his head against my dresser every time he lost," Riku replied.

"And what about this 'white stuff'," Kairi asked, "that you were talking about?"

"White stuff?" Sora laughed.

"That would be snow," Riku replied. "On Mount Mira Mira."

"…" The group was stunned, I guess you could say.

"Well, I'm out of here, I can sense conflict," Jen said, Desert agreeing.

"I'll come back later," Desert said slowly, and they both disappeared, a pile of sand and a small, green bunny figuring where they once stood.

"Oh, boy, are they ever damn right," the group left behind growled, glaring at Riku and Sora.

They never touched that video game again.


	4. BUNNIES

A/N: Well, as previously said in my other Fic, I said that I won't be updating much through the summer, probably not at all. So far, my summer has proved to be very hectic, and I'm already suffering minor Writer's Block. Anyway, I wish everyone a very Happy Canada Day and Happy Fourth of July (Coming up), and an awesome summer to you all! Look out for the upcoming chapter after the summer (or sooner :D).

((You can really tell I'm in Writer's Block with this chapter. :P))

OH, and before I forget—If any readers have any suggestions for another story, I'd be glad to read up and perhaps write it out:D Send in your suggestions, you'll get a cookie! (:

**BUNNIES**

The day was young, and the morning was fresh. All was good in the world of Wonderland. The sky was a clear, off-set blue, and the clouds drifted dreamily through the sky and over the gleam of the bright sun. Mazes of roses were watered and rabbit holes seemed to have been kept cleaner than usual as the day started cheery and bright.

Towards the foresting area, where large flowers of pink and yellow and large trees with heart-shaped fruits out grew the peach and apple trees, two figures dressed in the tightest flipping black spandex you will ever see or find, ran through, paintball guns in their arms and dark, black goggles covering their eyes. They could easily be determined as boys, well, you know why. One was taller than the other and more buff-looking as well. They stopped their running, looking at each other before nodding curtly and running off again.

Following the two boys, dressed in army coloured, and just as tight spandex, were two more figures. They took to the trees, jumping from branch to branch with relative ease. These two were short, and well, of the opposite gender. They wore green goggles, covering their eyes, and carried paintball guns as well, filled with bright pink paintballs. Just as the boys did, they stopped on one branch, looked at each other, and continued onwards.

The chase would soon end.

The two female figures jumped out of the trees and landed lightly behind the two boys, and their victims paused, turning around with guns hanging loosely at their sides. The silence, immediately, was broken when the two girls began firing the pink paint on the boys, and their screams echoed through the quiet atmosphere of the morning.

_Far off in her chambers, the Queen awoke, "OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!" Falling asleep again like nothing happened._

"AHHHH! OW OW OW OW! WELTS! AHHH! MY CORNEAS!" cried the shorter one, "IT BURNS MY CORNEAS! I THINK MY RETINA IS DISLODGED FROM MY SOCKET! OH GOD OH GOD!"

The taller one, who was doubled over in pain, turned his head towards the shorter one.

"Dude, it's just paint," he said, straightening up and staring at the two girls before him. He pulled off his goggles, dropping his gun and revealing his icy eyes. He pulled off the material covering his head, and shook his hair freely. "I guess I can get out of this stuff?"

The two girls nodded, and well, Riku, pulled off the spandex and was fully clothed. Don't ask me how they managed to do this, they just did. He sighed, 'helping' Sora pull off his spandex and goggles. Sora looked more bruised, per say, than Riku. Every bit of arm and leg was covered in bruises, and there was a particularly nasty one above his eyebrow over his left eye. As soon as the tight cotton was off, he tumbled onto his back, and Riku sighed, looking at the girls.

"Teehee, we win again," one of them said, removing her goggles and pulling off the spandex with a simple flick of her wrist, revealing Kairi. The other girl also removed her spandex, fully clothed just as much as the other three, revealing Alice. She giggled as well.

"How does it feel to be schooled by girls," Alice stated, "two hundred and thirty nine times in a row?" She turned to receive a high-five from Kairi before looking at Riku and Sora expectantly.

Sora, now regaining himself, put his hands behind his head and a cocky grin spread across his face. He sighed as though thinking, and he opened one eye. "Well, Alice, if I'm not correct, it was two hundred and thirty eight times."

Riku shook his head, "Forget about it Sora."

Sora, looking put out, did as he was told. "What ever you say, _mother," _he said with a grin still on his face. Riku almost jumped at Sora, but remained with his arms crossed.

"Oh! I know! Let's go to the Mad Hatter's for tea!" Alice suggested, jumping on the balls of her feet. Kairi scratched her head, looking at the other two.

"Sounds good to me," she said while eyeing the boys. They nodded too, but only because they could see the fury in Kairi's eyes if they said no. They gulped and nodded again, looking far more eager, and Kairi smiled.

"I'm scared she didn't read her medication labels again," Sora said in an undertone.

"Maybe she-" Riku started, stopping himself and shaking his head.

"Well, let's go!" Alice said, not paying attention and beginning to walk away. Kairi followed after, and after much hesitation, the boys. 

The walk was a silent one through the bushes and trees towards the area the group knew the Mad Hatter had his tea. Riku and Sora remained a few steps behind Kairi and Alice, who were leading the way. The walk didn't last fairly long, as they had been paintballing in the area anyway. In fact, it only took a few short minutes to reach the giant table in which tea would be served.

Though, the Mad Hatter wasn't there.

The table had been set, four large chintz chairs decorated in floral flannel and four, large mugs of steaming tea were set before each. The group looked at each other for a long moment, hesitant whether to sit down and enjoy their tea, or turn and walk away. Alice stepped forward at last and in a rather dainty way, sat at the closet chair and smoothed the creases in her blue dress. Kairi followed soon after, sitting across from her, leaving Riku and Sora standing at the foot of the large, stretched table.

"Well, don't be rude. Sit," Kairi demanded in a calm but fairly ordering tone. In no hurry, both boys sat down but did not touch their tea. 

"Cheers," Kairi chimed gleefully, tipping her mug and sipping it.

"Bottoms up," Alice remarked with a grin, also sipping her mug. Sora and Riku did the same, but quietly as well.

Suddenly, something caught the attention of the simpleton, Sora. Hah. Sora the Simpleton. A small, furry green creature jumped out from the bush, its lithe ears twitching and a rather large carrot in its mouth. Obviously the thing was a rabbit, but… green?

As the other three immersed themselves in a conversation, Sora (the Simpleton) slipped off his chair and onto his knees and elbows. In a rather Army-like way, he began crawl under the table, past Riku and towards the little rabbit. Well, bunny. It was younger than a rabbit, and Sora, though as stupid and thick headed as he could get, knew that. He continued to crawl until he was of a good distance, to which he rolled the rest of the way and stopped to be within an inch from the small little bunny.

Upon closer inspection, the bunny had golden eyes and its fur was oddly tangled rather than groomed like most bunnies or rabbits Sora had come across. The little bunny seemed rather disgruntled, and not wanting to have a teenager have his tanned face stuck in its own.

"Aww, poor li'l guy," Sora stated in a coo, resting his chin in his hands as he stared at the bunny. He stood up, dusting off his pants and elbows. "Looks like you got yourself some STDs."

Now, how and why Sora said that, there was just no logic behind it whatsoever.

The bunny, looking as though it had just noticed Sora, looked rather offended. Its ears pressed themselves against its small head, and he dropped the carrot into his tiny forepaws, standing on his hind legs. Sora grinned down at the green bunny, looking fairly amused.

"Aww, did you come from the Circus? Did you lose your freaky family from which you came?" Questioned Sora in a tone that would resemble new parents to their newborn. Sickening, almost.

That was that. The bunny barred rather sharp looking teeth and its pupils constricted to mere slits in each golden iris. It straightened its back and held the large, plump looking carrot like a bazooka.

"You bitch!" it squealed in a high-pitched voice. It suddenly ran behind Sora, to which he remarked, "Awwww, he's playing!" and jumped up, pushing the carrot into his pants (After ripping them) and lodging the carrot into Sora's hindquarters.

Sora's eyes widened and he doubled over, watching the obviously angered bunny walk before him. "Oughhh, that's going to cause problems when I'm eighteen…" Sora coughed, reaching one hand to his ass in order to feel if it was still there or not.

"Bitch," the green bunny said again, giving the middle finger, er, digit, to Sora before hopping off. Not before kicking him in the shin and causing him to fall over on his side, however. So there Sora lay, on his side and holding his ass like the apocalypse was starting in his ass crack. He moaned a few times, eyes wide and face rather pale.

"Now, that was not a bunny…" he moaned in a slightly high-pitched voice. He turned his head painfully to the table.

"Um, guys, a little help," Sora pleaded, and the loud conversation taking place stopped as Kairi, Alice and Riku all looked around.

"Sora, what the fuck?" Riku remarked, "There's the leaf part of an carrot sticking out of your crack." Kairi and Alice nodded slowly, just watching and standing back, like they were afraid Sora was about to go off like a bomb.

"Thanks a lot for the observation, Doctor Obvious," Sora said in a mock voice, "YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT!"

Riku sighed, moving around to Sora and grabbing his elbows, pulling him up despite the moans, shouts and cusses emitting from Sora. "Shut up, shut up," Riku demanded as he looked Sora up and down. "What the hell did you do?"

"I saw a bunny!" Sora said with cheer in his voice. "And it was GWEEN!"

"Green, Sora, your not three," Kairi said, looking stern. Sora nodded and looked at Riku.

"Is there a way to get it out?" He asked, looking rather nettled. I mean, wouldn't you be nettled if you had a green bunny lodge a carrot up your crack? I think so.

Riku sighed, nodding. "Lie down. We're pulling it out."

Sora, shocked more than ever, jumped around. "PULL IT OUT! Are you serious? It can hit a few things on the way out, you know!" He held his ass securely at this.

"Well, unless you want to go to a surgeon—"

"Okay!" Sora said without thinking, lying on his stomach and putting his face in the dirt.

"Alrighty then," Riku said, bending over and gripping the greenery of the carrot. "Three, two, one!"

With that, he tugged hard, and after a moment of Sora screaming and Riku screaming and cussing for him to shut up, the large carrot had come out. Riku let go of it instantly, sending it flying over the hedges and out of sight.

"YAY!" Sora squealed, standing up with the help of Kairi and Alice. "But oww."

Riku brushed off his shoulders and clapped his hands.

"Well, how'd you get into that?"

"I told a green bunny it had STDs…" Sora said slowly, looking to Alice. Alice giggled, then broke into pure laughter.

"He doesn't have STDs, he has AIDS," she managed to say through giggles, and the other three looked at each other for a moment.

"Okay, who's up for paintball?" Kairi asked.

"Me," the other three replied.

"Sora's not on my team though," Riku said slowly.

"Whatever you say, _mother," _Sora said in a cocky way, running away soon after, but Riku did not follow.

"Wait until we see his face when we say he got raped by a rabid bunny."


	5. Bish Tournament

A/N: Yes, I'm very busy. I apologize for all lack up updates. This one kinda sprang to me when Desert Secrets suggested a bishounnen tournament. :D Anyway, Enjoy

**Bish Tournament**

Though it seemed rather lonely, it was hard to believe that even Riku and Sora looked bored. In fact, they were so bored, they were having a lack of intelligence. Seriously, they had no idea where they were. It was just a random field in the middle of… they didn't know exactly where. Which… was exactly why it was weird. No one expected you to wake up from a coma in a middle of a random field. What was more weird, was the fact that they had been under attack several times.

"Listen, I'm getting sick of pulling these funny daggers out of my flesh," said Sora after a fifth "dagger" managed to zoom into his bulky shoe. He pulled it out and threw it onto the ground. "I mean, how are we getting hit, but we can't see by who!"

Riku yawned, dodging several throwing stars that zoomed his way. "Dunno. You tell me, Mr. Hero," he said thoughtfully.

"Alright, I'm SICK of this! GET OUT HERE RIGHT NOW," Roared the chestnut-haired teen in annoyance. The wind that was once billowing through the field stopped and silence plastered itself in the air.

"Oh, scary. I've got skills," Sora said simply, admiring the silence that had just been broken. Suddenly, he felt a new weight on his shoulders and neck, feeling someone's breath on the back of his neck. He heard Riku scramble to get to his feet.

"Not too skilled now, are you?" asked the unseen figure behind Sora. Sora gasped, trying to figure out what was going on. He looked at the arms of the figure, covered with what looked like arm warmers.

"Nice … sense of style," choked Sora sarcastically. He heard the figure laugh stonily, his grip tightening. Riku came into Sora's sight, arms folded.

"Listen, let go of him, before something bad does happen," he said calmly. Sora frowned, not being able to see his captor. He was suddenly pushed forward, a horrible pain stretching quickly through his backside. He stumbled to get up, face-to-face with a pale-face and pure black eyes. The figure was taller than him, with black hair that flew up in the back. A steel-plated headband shone brightly in the sun. Sora took a quick step back, staring at the newcomer, who was holding one of those odd "daggers" once more.

"Who the HELL are you?" Sora demanded. The boy smirked, eyes flickered slightly.

"I… am Sasuke," said the boy. "And I am a Ninja."

"…You're as much Ninja as I am a melon," Riku said scathingly. Sora snorted but Sasuke made no movement.

"Would you like to test that statement?" Sasuke asked after a moment. Sora shook his head immediately, Riku making no movement whatsoever. Sasuke, finding their silence as a disagreement, put his kunai away and stared at the two with folded arms. "And, by the way, that's a KUNAI, not a freakin' Dagger, like you guys have been saying. Anyway, have you seen a short blonde pig run through here?"

"Uh, no," Riku said plainly, deciding to sit down. Sora did the same.

"I have a question," he said after a moment. Sasuke and Riku looked to him with a plain face.

"Which one of you is the bigger bish?"

"Sorry, I'm not a bitch," Sasuke mumbled. "To some people, anyway. Stupid fangirls and their kinky fantasies...'

"Ooh, they got to you too?" Sora asked. Sasuke didn't reply.

"Well, that's easy. I'm the biggest bishounnen here," Riku said rather proudly, straightening his shoulders and puffing out his chest slightly. Sasuke snorted this time and stared at him.

"Really? You're so cliché, you with your white hair and steroid body. I was brought up like this, and I'm one kick-ass ninja. Besides, there's no way one guy with an alternate skirt outfit beats out my really cool sharingan," Sasuke retorted calmly, smirking as Riku twitched.

"BELIVE IT!"

Silence fell over the three and they looked around. Sasuke nodded once, seeming to know where this had come from.

"ENGLISH DUBBING," screamed another voice, this one all too familiar to Sora and Riku, and apparently Sasuke, because they seen his eye twitch. Another voice followed that, but what it was saying was too quiet for them to hear.

At this, a blonde-haired boy ran through, clutching a box of ramen noodles while being chased by two girls, one shorter than the other. The shorter one carrying around a lifeless-looking boy.

"NARUTO GET BACK HERE!" screamed the short one.

"Oh, hey Dee, hey …Jen?" Sasuke, Sora and Riku said rather boredly in unison. The two girls waved, the taller one jumping up and suddenly pinning a squirming Naruto to the grass. She sat on him, folding her arms and looking at the other three.

"SASUKE!" she screamed, but Dee, who had been pulling the body around (Whom Riku and Sora noted at once as Tidus) put her hand on Jen's head, stopping her from moving any further.

"…What are you squishing Naruto for?" Sasuke found himself asking, barely moving. Jen smirked, Dee pouted.

"He's a moron. Him and his English Dubbing. Stupid imposter Naruto," Dee mumbled, kicking the English Naruto in the leg. He groaned, moving his head to reveal several lumps placed evenly about his scalp.

"I'm not an imposter! Believe it!" he screamed. This caused Jen to flick him behind the ear and Sasuke to speak up.

'You're such a loser, Naruto."

"Stop saying that!" Naruto moaned into the turf. Sasuke merely rolled his eyes. 

"What's going on here?"

Every pair of eyes turned to look at the newest voice, belonging to none other but Kakashi, who looked perplexed. His hair wavered a bit in a passing breeze.

"We'll, we're trying to kill Naruto, or at least beat him back into a Japanese Form," Des said after a moment, Jen nodding.

"And we're seeing who's the bigger Bishounnen," said Riku fondly.

"Ah, I see," Kakashi said, walking over to the boys as Jen and Des continued on with their work, slowly beating Naruto up and throwing Japanese dictionaries at him and the like. "Well, while you do that, how 'bout I inspire you first," he said, pulling out a small yellow-covered novel.

"Oh great," Sasuke mumbled, rolling his eyes.

The two team-seven members suddenly groaned, "Porn."

"Indeed!" Kakashi said, looking very happy as he flipped open a page.

"And so, he placed his gentle lips on her-"

"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!" Naruto said, kicking his feet and kicking up dirt. "NOT HERE!"

Kakashi frowned slightly, though it was invisible behind his face, which everyone knows always has to be 95 covered… "Alright then," said the older man, putting the book away. "But lemme make a proposition."

"What?" asked Sasuke, Riku and Sora at once.

"…I am the bigger Bishounnen!"

"No-WAY," Sora grumbled. "I am!"

"Sora, you're too adorkable to be a freakin' Bishounnen," said Des finally, as though this settled the matter. Sora frowned, silently agreeing.

"Right, so, as I was saying, I'm the biggest Bishounnen. I keep my face covered, and my hair is all silky and silver, and I have the perfect attitude and body!" Kakashi said, grinning once more.

"Well, I have silver hair, I'm totally ripped and I have a cool outfit," Riku said finally, "and I have hot fans."

"…I don't need to explain why I am the biggest Bishounnen," said Sasuke with finality.

"Sorry, fools, but I am _so_ the biggest Bishounnen here."

Again, the group whirled around. There stood Sesshomaru.

"OOH, SESSHY!" Des screamed immediately, going ahead forth to pounce on him. Jen, this time, caught her by her short hair and pulled her back. She sobbed with no tears, but Jen ignored her as she stood up and Des grabbed Tidus like a thrown ragdoll once more.

"Well, our job is done," Jen said finally, "we have to go get our lives eaten by Ragnarok again and the like. Toodles!"

"BAIIIII!" Des screamed, looking heartbroken as they disappeared with a half-lifeless Tidus.

Before Sesshomaru could make more of an entrance to the others, Naruto, looking thoroughly beaten, sat up, scratching his well bruised head. As he opened his mouth to speak, full-fledged Japanese sentences and phrases came whirring out like Sesshomaru's very Bishounnen furry scarf-thing flowed in the breeze. 

"Holy CRAP, they really did make him Japanese…" Kakashi said, obviously astounded.

"Though he's still a loser and the Number one Hyperactive Knucklehead…" Sasuke mumbled, looking away.

"…Sweet," Sora said, listening, or at least trying to, to Naruto.

"…Shut him up already," Sesshomaru scathingly. Sasuke looked more than pleased as he smacked Naruto in the side of head with the blunt end of his Kunai.

"Good, now, as I was saying, I so beat you guys out in the Bishounnen tournament—"

"Dude, did you realize we couldn't understand a word that kid was saying, even though we're all from some sort of Japanese animation?" Sora asked finally. Riku snorted.

"I don't think we are," he said. "If we are, I can't remember."

"Well, whatever," Sora said, grumbling loudly.

"FOR GODSAKES LISTEN TO ME," Sesshomaru, looking away from a compact mirror and throwing his cheap mascara into a lower dip in the fields. "I TOTALLY beat YOU GUYS out!"

Riku, Sasuke and Kakashi suddenly burst into compulsive laughter. "Yeah, sure you are."

Looking upset, Sesshomaru literally pulled out the puppy-dog eyes, causing the others to shut up. "I am!"

"…You know what boys," Kakashi said after a moment. "I think he's right. He did own us.'

"WHAT? Kakashi-Sensei, don't give up so easily," Sasuke growled. "One of us has to beat him out!"

"No, Sasuke, I think we've lost," Kakashi said, pulling out his porn-novel once more.

"I'm not going to lose to dog-boy over here," Riku said, crossing his arms. "He looks like a cross-dresser."

"HEY," Sesshomaru said finally, looking completely pissed off by this point. "I may cross-dress, but You all know I beat you out in the hair category!"

Kakashi twitched at this.

"You? Beat me? I don't think so!" Kakashi said, shaking his head so his perfect hair wavered around a bit over his headband. "Did you not hear the fangirls freaking out when I was soaking wet when I got into that fight with Zabusa? When I got caught in the water cage? HMMM!" Questioned the Ninja angrily. "They literally flipped out! LITERALLY."

"…Too bad, I still think I got the hair category."

"Wait, wait, first, let's figure out all the attributes we can put into this," Sora said, stepping in. "There's body, outfit, personality, hair and weapon."

Sasuke snorted. "Put me in Personality."

"Done," Sora said, scribbling this down on the notepad he had pulled out from his jeans. "Now, hair, we'll put down Kakashi and Sesshy…"

"Good," said both of the older men.

"Outfit? We'll put down Sesshy…"

"Hey, put me down in there too," said Riku finally. "And weapon."

"Got it," Sora mumbled.

"Alright, so, Sasuke's the biggest Personality Bishounnen, because no one else is in that category," Said Sora decisively. "And… Riku's the biggest Weapon Bishounnen, just because his soul eater apparently owns all of you guys.

"Any objections so far?"

The group shook their heads just a fraction.

"Good, so, let's go to the Hair Category," Sora said, backing off with the others as Kakashi and Sesshomaru stepped into the center of the circle.

"Tell us about your hair, Kakashi," said Sora like a reporter for a news crew.

"Well, firstly, it makes fangirls scream when I get it wet," started Kakashi after a moment of thinking, "and it's so wavy and silky, I mean, watch."

The ninja ran his fingers through his hair, causing it to ripple and slowly slip back up into its original position. He grinned, continuing to talk about his hair for another few minutes.

"And as I said, it totally kicks ass when its wet."

"Alright, take a seat," Said Sora intently, watching Kakashi throw a grin at Sesshomaru and sit down calmly. "Your turn, Sesshy."

'Its Lord Sesshomaru," said Sesshomaru slowly. "Anyway, I don't need to say anything, I can do this."

Sesshomaru flipped his hair, causing it to catch several rays of light and refract brighter silver and cobalt colours. He sat down.

"Well…" Kakashi mumbled, standing up and somehow finding a bucket full of icy water and dumping it over his head, causing his hair to fall soaked around his face. He smirked, sitting down, barely effected by the temperature in the water.

Thousands, and literally, thousands of screams and squees sounded around the area, but no one came.

"…I think Sesshomaru wins," said a judge, suddenly appearing. A hood covered his face from view. 

"Ooh, alright, sorry Kakashi, but you were just owned. Seems you're not the Hair Bishounnen."

"Aw," said Kakashi, looking upset and pulling out his novel once more.

"NEXT," said Sora after a moment, "we have outfit."

Riku stood up this time, Sesshomaru looking pleased.

The judge interjected immediately.

"Sesshomaru wins."

"WHAT?" Riku spat. "That's not fair!"

"Too bad, Kid," said the Judge after a minute. Riku grumbled, sitting down, and so did Sesshomaru, obviously looking pleased.

"Well, I guess that concludes it," said Sasuke, beginning to stand up, obviously ready to leave.

"Not quite," said the judge, pulling off his hood, only to reveal a silver-haired man with light eyes.

"K-Kadaj!"

"Indeed," said Kadaj simply. "We're only missing Sephiroth, but we don't really care about him because he'd take all your glory." He turned to Sora, "You forgot Body."

"Oh, indeed," said Sora, looking down at his notepad. "Well-"

"I win that, I believe," said Riku after a moment. Kadaj once more interjected.

"I don't think so, you took steroids, this is all real," said Kadaj, indicating to his rather skinny though ripped-looking frame beneath his black jacket. "Besides, I would like at least one Category to claim."

"Let him have it," said Sesshomaru finally. "At least its not Sephiroth."

"Yeah, well, he's been busy at the Spa lately," Kadaj said, scratching the back of his silver-haired head finally.

"Well, are we done now?" Sora asked, throwing the notepad lazily back into his pocket.

"I think so," said Kadaj, looking at the others. "Any objections?"

"None at all," grumbled Sasuke, pulling Naruto up by the scruff of his collar. "Now, is there a way to get you guys back?"

Riku and Sora shrugged.

"Oh, I have an idea," said Kadaj simply, walking up to them and taking each of them by one side of their heads, knocking them together. Both gasped before they fell in a heap, unconscious.

"Now, who wants to go and wreak some crazy havoc at an Anime Convention some where?"

"Me!"

The group disappeared, and Sora and Riku continued to sleep soundly, before they were slowly dragged off by a small group of girls…

"I hope you know what you're doing," said one slowly.

"Oh… trust me, I know more than you think."


	6. The Sanctuary

Author's Notes: Can't say much about this, but the next chapter of this collection will be on hold, as this one has taken place. :3 Thanks, Des, who made this chapter just for the hell of it.

Its short, but no one cares!

**The Sanctuary**

"First, there was silence.

"…and purity.

"THEN…

"There was squealing, giggling, yelling, smacking, smooching, glomping, Tidus-swinging sound effecting, killing, and sexing.

"…and whorishness."

Perched atop a palm tree back on the good ol' god-forsaken rock of Paradise Island, home to the whole Kingdom Hearts fiction cast, was Desert Secrets, otherwise known as Des, clad in nothing but her famous teeny-weeny school girl uniform, holding a microphone and speaking into an invisible camera crew.

"That's right, folks, its DEE ESS time, with your one and only host, Des! A break from the norm, a switch from the regular, a little bit of flavor within this massive bowl of fan fiction flavored ramen!" Another short silence, and the waves rolled in, the sun glittering down on the water and casting painfully into the eyes of whoever was gullible enough to fall for the "LOOKSORA'SNAKED" trick. Des frowned, looked around her, noticed for the umpteenth time in her life that yes, no one was watching her talk to herself. No one other then the seagulls, and the sand crabs, and the annoying ugly fish that skittered about in the water below her.

Suddenly rather fed up, Des slid down the trunk of the palm tree, microphone in hand, and seized the sleeping Tidus from 'neath its shade.

"W-whatthefug" he stammered, suddenly aware that once again he was being hauled around the island by the girl that loved him, or simply took amusement in beating him, so, and relaxed once more.

Unfortunately for him, this was probably the stupidest thing someone could do while in the arms of our miss Des, and as she noticed that he was growing all to comfortable with her holding him, she swung him three times in a massive circle and sent him reeling through the air to land in an uncharted part of the island, and she stormed forward, muttering profanities in foreign languages.

Though, thankfully, the 'uncharted part of the island' just so happened to be the top secret boy's only hideout that the male population of the island had created...

The original reason for such a guild was to simply annoy the females and further invoke curiosity and longing to spend time with the said males, but it had sort of transformed into a refuge from being demolished and blown into smithereens. Tidus landed with a crash, rubbed his head of blonde hair, winced as he stared at the little painted sign outside the club. Much to his surprise, the previously titled 'Boy's Club' sign had been changed to read 'sanctuary for discarded characters' in big, sopping wet red paint letters.

Tidus pushed open the door, looked inside and saw none other then the few ninja from the past episode; Sasuke, Kakashi, and Naruto, as well as the long haired bishounnen, Sesshoumaru. Kadaj frowned as his hand of cards and uttered a grim "I fold", dared not to watch as the other long white haired bishounnen, Sephiroph, grinned madly and began to brag about how amazing he was, and how he'd killed Aeries and screwed her lover.

Tidus now had the attention of the room, and Riku raised an eyebrow. "Ooh, look," he murmured, "Its Des' bitch." Tidus rubbed his aching head, smiled sarcastically, and took a seat next to Sephiroph.

"Very funny, asshole," he groaned, "I just got my ass thrown across this entire goddamn island. Not exactly in the mood." Naruto looked up from his Japanese dictionary, Sasuke paying little attention to everything that was happening, and the blonde cocked his head to the side.

"You think THAT'S bad? Did you see what happened to ME last episode?" Tidus shook his head.

"Oh," Naruto remarked, "Of course not. You were out cold underneath Deserts' arm." Tidus sighed, placed his head in his hands.

"These women are going to be the end of us" he moaned, "I can't possibly survive with this going on much longer!"

Sora inspected his hand, reclined in a chair with his feet up.

"Sure you can," he said quietly, "You can come here. At least we've got a sanctuary." Tidus frowned.

"I was going to ask about that," he began, "Why is our sign changed to 'sanctuary for discarded characters'?" Sesshoumaru looked up, yellow eyes shining softly.

"Think about it," he said, "You get used all the time. You're constantly in the spot light. Us, however? We're left to ROT when the issue is finished. Take last issue, for example. The Bish Tournament. So you guys magically poof off to some anime convention, and where are WE, HUH! We're trapped in the middle of NO WHERE only to dig our way with a plastic spoon back to this island, and where do we go from where? WHERE! We have no where! We've been DISCARDED."

Kadaj nodded, agreeing with what Sesshoumaru had to say. "God, I was only in the limelight for all of twenty seconds, I swear. Just enough to get a breath of fresh air and then BAM, I was internet floaties."

Sora smiled, rubbed his tummy. "Mmmm, internet floaties…" Everyone looked over to him for a moment, and Sasuke stood, frowning and casting his shadow menacingly down upon Sora. The blue eyed boy looked at Sasuke in fear, crunched up into a smaller ball, eyes large and Bambi like.

"S-s-s-asuke, don't kill me, p-p-please…" he stammered, unaware of the ninja's reasons for standing all so suddenly.

"Shut up, baka," Sasuke said, "I think I hear something coming . . . something _big_." Kakashi stood at this as well, craned his neck and made a funnel around his ear with his hands.

"No, Sasuke, its not big, its actions are large and heavy."

"Indicates anger," Sephiroph stated, "..you know why I know this? Because I killed Aeries and screwed her lover. He had one biiiiggg sword." No one paid any attention to Sephiroph, as he did this constantly, but the members of the formerly known as 'boy's club' were now more then fearful.

"EVERYONE ALWAYS DITCHES ME! TIDUS, WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU YOU'RE GOING TO censor!" censored for rating reasons. This goes on for quite some time, so sit back, relax, grab some popcorn or something. You know, take a pee break. Everyone needs that once in a while. Feed the massive elephant living under your ass, call your sister obscene names, get out for some fresh air. Yes, it does exist.

Thanks for waiting.

And I'm done.

Sora went an appalling shade of white, and Sesshoumaru fell sideways off of his chair, attempting sadly to scurry from the building and to higher ground in hopes of avoiding what was about to happen.

Every man in that location would soon be in for the beating of their lives, and Tidus would be in for the biggest censored you really don't want to know. Porn addicts. /censor.

However, Riku was a quick thinker, a real smart cookie, and he dug into the closet, found Yuna's skeleton and took the clothing from her. Grabbing Sora and stripping him naked before jamming him into Yuna's old garb, the white haired boy shoved Sora out the door and slammed it behind him.

"You're doing this for all of us," he said, "thanks for saving our asses! Bye, Sora, err, I mean, YUNA BAIT!"

Sora's knee's shook, and he could hear the sounds of the members of the formerly-known-as-boy's-club flee from the premises, running for the hills. A step, followed by another step, followed by the hair raising sounds of Desert Secrets' knuckle's cracking.

"Tidus, I…" Desert Secrets stood, frozen, eyes set on Sora, who looked a lot like Yuna. He held the staff weakly within his clenched fists, waved half-assedly.

"Uh, hi," he murmured, "I-I can explain. You see, I really _don't_ want to die, so it would be great if you'd jus-"

"BITCH!" Des cried, leaping through the air and landing on Sora's frame, slamming it into the ground, "RETURNING FROM THE DEAD TO STEAL MY BOYFRIEND? I THINK NOT! AND ON MY FIC DAY, TOO! WHO THE censored you know the drill. /censored DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU censored you know this like the back of j00r hand /censored!"

The sun was setting, and Des was once again sitting atop the palm tree, gazing off into the distance. A happy, adorable grin was laid across her lips, Tidus sitting with his arm around her waist, asleep and looking really rather bruised. She sighed, happily, inspected her nails before closing her eyes.

She had long since torn the clothing off of Sora before realizing that the boy was, in fact, not Yuna, where she proceeded to beat him harder for being an imposter. All in a day's work, she thought. Though, she'd lay down her microphone for a while; being the host of a fanfiction was hard work, she reasoned. She'd leave it up to Jen. That way, she'd be able to beat people with two hands.

"And this is Dee Ess, signing' out. Look for another insert by none other then moi in the future!"

3, Desert Secrets


End file.
